What's a poor guy to do in this mean, Feminist world? (Image Credit: Thinkstock)
Men are truly the abused citizens of the world these days.
Their rights and needs are put on the back burner for that vile movement, Feminism. Men don’t even want to get married anymore, and it’s all your fault, ladies! Just ask The Daily Mail!
Poor men. So sad!
You guys have a lot of trouble dating these days, now that women have this silly notion in their marble-sized brains that they should maybe want to be treated like equals to you. HOW RIDICULOUS. EW!
Luckily, you can work around these ideals. Women aren’t really smart enough to comprehend them anyway, you know?
Here are some dating tips and some great places to find women for you wonderful, sexy, and oh-so entitled males. Godspeed. No one will find you creepy in any way with these sure-fire, babe-magnet pointers.
Where to meet women:
Talk to her when she’s on a date with someone else.
This is a tried and true method of winning yourself a lady. Every woman deeply craves male attention and validation. By showing her you’re not put off by the fact that she chose to go on a date with a person who is definitely not you, you’re showing her your amazing self-confidence. Nothing turns on women more than a guy at a restaurant... alone... with the sole purpose of picking up a woman.
Chat her up in a Victoria’s Secret.
Never mind why you’re in a Victoria’s Secret when it is a woman’s lingerie store and has nothing to offer a man, this is fertile hunting ground for single guys looking to score some tail. Offer to help her choose a bra that might fit her ample bosom, put forth your unsolicited advice on the panties that would look nice on her fine derriere. Women appreciate being told what makes them look sexy by strangers, didn’t you know?
Give her pointers while she’s lifting.
Women love being told that they are doing things wrong, especially in the weight room at the gym, where she is outnumbered by sweaty, grunty men. I mean, the whole reason she’s in there to begin with is to get attention from guys. Forget wanting a sculpted physique. She doesn’t know what she’s doing anyway. It’s not like women understand how to use gym equipment. Give her pointers on her form while she’s halfway through a set, casually benching 100 pounds. She will love that.
Approach her when she’s wearing headphones.
This has been a very hot topic among men’s advice blogs as of late. Despite what it may seem, a woman wearing headphones is not a clear-cut social cue to leave her the fuck alone. No, women are only wearing headphones to seem mysterious and sexy. Don’t let it deter you! Women really want you to come up to them, scream in their face until they notice you, and have you chat them up.
Schmooze your way into conversation while she’s buying Vagisil.
Pharmacies are a great place to find women because a woman in a pharmacy is probably looking for medicine. This means she’s in a weakened state and is primed for you to corner her. Hang out by the feminine care aisle, as this is where womenfolk congregate. If she’s buying Monistat or Vagisil, even better. She’s not trying to discreetly buy yeast infection medication, she’s looking for a date, silly! You know you’ll be able to get into that pussy as soon as her three day, anti-fungal treatment is over.
Peruse the children’s playground for single moms.
Single moms are easy prey because they have no self-esteem, as they’ve been abandoned by their spouse or boyfriend! It definitely was not or could not have been their choice! You can’t get much better than that, fellas. Hanging out on playgrounds when you don’t have a child of your own may seem socially unacceptable, and possibly liable to make you look like a pedophile, but if a police officer asks why you’re on a swing designed for a 5-year-old, you can just tell him you’re looking for some single mom ass. He’ll understand!
What to say to say to her:
Comment on her appearance every chance you get.
A woman has no interest in being told she’s smart. She’s not, after all! Instead, constantly tell her how hot and sexy she is. Tell her that her “tits look nice in that top,” and other things of that nature. Make her feel like an object. Women LOVE that!
Put her down in a sweet and playful manner.
Everyone knows the more you insult a woman, the more she will like you. Make sure she knows her looks are the only thing she has going for her. Tell her you could be with any other girl in this bar, but you decided she was the one you wanted. Women love to feel shitty about themselves. It makes us horny AF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Talk about your ex-girlfriend as much as possible.
If you have an ex that fucked you up and made you hate all women (because women are evil, manipulative bitches, after all), use this to your advantage. Talk about your “whore” ex as much as you can. It will make her feel close to you, and want sex with you. Bonus points if you cry a little. Women love emotion!!!!!!
Don’t use the “F” word because she will be confused.
Under no circumstances are you to use the word "Feminism." You want to keep the uncomfortable idea of “equal rights for women” out of your dating repertoire. Stupid Feminism has been confusing women far and wide into thinking they have the right to be treated as humans. Feminism is the anti-dating topic. You want a woman to feel like property, not a person with agency.
Don’t talk about anything too complicated.
As you know, women have brains the size of apricots, and are therefore unable to comprehend complicated matters. Steer clear of things such as politics, philosophy, or pretty much anything that requires her to have an opinion. Women don’t have opinions. So you’ll only wind up leading the conversation and explaining what all of these deeply complex subjects entail. Stick to safe subjects, such as The Kardashians, shopping, and beauty products.
Disclaimer: This article is 100% satire.
